you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
