I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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