So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
