i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
