My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
