Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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