shes about as inviting as chlamydia
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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