Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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