Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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