your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
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