Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
