I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
