I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
