I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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