After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
