I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
