Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Randomize
