i think my tv is drunk
i need an iv and a liver transplant
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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