I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Bring me that man meat
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
