I wish I could teleport
You can't motorboat a personality
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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