I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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