Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
