Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
