Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Randomize
