FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
