My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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