I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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