You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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