did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
