my phone needs a breathalizer
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
