What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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