how can u be prego again
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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