Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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