I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
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is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
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I can't turn off my feet"
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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