I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
