Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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