he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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