Just fell off a train. Bad.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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