Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
