I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
You took a bar mat shot.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Please don't give away my fajitas
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