You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
