Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
