I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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