Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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