sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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