Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
