so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
