He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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