I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
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