My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
