Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Randomize
