booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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