dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
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Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
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Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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