When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Randomize
