i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
