It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
