I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Randomize
