my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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