Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Randomize
