i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
