Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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