Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
