I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
