i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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