So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
